Everyone experiences some level of anxiety when they’re pregnant. There’s a lot of crazy stuff going on inside your body, and you’re literally growing another human life. It’s a lot of pressure, and a lot of unknown (especially right now). But, when you already live with anxiety on a daily basis, the idea of adding more is scary. I’ve been pretty open about my mental health because I feel very strongly that it’s something we should be talking about more. Truth be told, one of the things that was making me hesitant about having a child was being pregnant with anxiety…and then all of the anxiety that motherhood brings with it.
I want to preface the rest of this post by saying that this is my experience. The combination of medication and therapy is what helps me manage my anxiety on a regular basis, but it’s an individual decision. I’m going to share what it’s been like for me, and what has helped me cope. Sharing this with the world is (unsurprisingly) something that makes me anxious, but if it helps one person, it will be totally worth it.
When we decided we were ready to start trying, I talked to my doctor about my medication. I had to stop taking my ADD medicine, but she felt that I could continue my anxiety medication. She advised me to talk to an OB upfront when we got pregnant, and that’s what I did. The OB agreed that I could continue taking it, but that we would have to check baby’s heart a little more regularly. A couple of weeks ago, I had a fetal echocardiogram to take a closer look, and fortunately everything looked (and sounded) great. But, just because I’m managing my anxiety while pregnant doesn’t mean it’s not there. Anxious thoughts are irrational, unreasonable, and incredibly powerful. It’s like piling up a bunch of tiny worries and striking a match to set them on fire…and then not knowing how to put it out.
At our first appointment, we were a week behind where we thought we were, and the OB couldn’t hear the baby’s heart. She prepared us for the worst, and sent us to a place with more sensitive machines just to be sure. Thankfully, that second place was able to hear his heartbeat, but that experience really stuck with me. Now, every time I go to the doctor, my own heart speeds up and I’m paralyzed by fear until I hear his heart beating and see the lines on the screen.
In the first trimester, when there is the highest risk of miscarriage, I was very anxious about something bad happening. Sometimes the way anxiety manifests itself is through compulsive habits. I started checking every time I went to the bathroom to make sure there wasn’t blood. My therapist talked me through this one and I eventually stopped, but it was hard to ignore that urge. I was also anxious about telling people we were pregnant, especially early on. I kept thinking, “what if we’re cursing it?” or “this is just another person we’ll have to tell if something goes wrong.”
After tests came back with two elevated risks for chromosomal abnormalities, we had to decide if we wanted to have an amniocentesis. Back in the day, most expectant mothers had them. But, since non-invasive testing has developed so much, they’re now on an as-needed basis. We talked to our doctor and a genetic counselor who walked us through the numbers. Despite the test results, chances of baby boy having one of these conditions was still very low, but I decided that not knowing would be worse for me.
The procedure itself wasn’t that bad. They checked on the baby first, and were very careful about choosing a spot as far from him as possible. Once he was out of the way, they extracted amniotic fluid to be tested. After that, they checked on him again to make sure he was okay. He was, and I just felt some cramping for the rest of the day. The waiting was the hardest part, but I breathed the biggest sigh of relief in my life when results came back normal.
These days, I’m grateful for his kicks and punches because it brings me comfort to know he’s moving around in there. If he has a quiet day, I have to force myself not to overthink it. I’m almost up to my third trimester and starting to think about childbirth and breastfeeding, two more sources of anxiety for me.
What I’ve found the most helpful is limiting the amount of information I take in. We have a couple of books, but we only read a little bit at a time. I use The Bump app, which gives us weekly updates that are just enough. We signed up for a virtual childbirth class that we can watch when we’re ready. A family friend who is a nurse and lactation consultant talked to me about my fears surrounding breastfeeding. My best friend is a few months ahead of me, and she’s been telling me what she’s learned along the way. But, I’m not overloading myself with information or thinking too far ahead when I don’t need to.
It has also been super important for me to acknowledge and feel all of my feelings. Pregnancy is beautiful and amazing, but it’s also exhausting and overwhelming. I don’t love every minute of it, and that’s okay. I’m grateful for medication and my therapist to keep my anxiety manageable. I’m grateful to Rob, my mom, my best friend Elena, and all of the other friends who have given me advice and answered my questions. Whether you suffer from an anxiety disorder like me, or you’re just a normal pregnant lady with a lot on your mind, it’s so important to remember that you don’t have to (and frankly shouldn’t) do this alone. Lean on the people you love and tell them what you need in terms of support.
This is what my experience being pregnant with anxiety has been like so far. I didn’t write this post for pity, and I hope it doesn’t scare anyone. I wanted to share because, as I’ve mentioned before, I don’t think there’s enough out there about the harder parts. I’m happy to tell you about my food cravings and my favorite maternity clothes, but there’s a lot more to pregnancy. I’m sure I’ll have more to share on this topic, and many others, as I get into the last trimester. Thanks for following along on this journey!
