I’ve shared some of my thoughts about making friends as an adult in various posts, but when my mom sent me this article last week, I asked the LPP Facebook community if they would be interested in a more in-depth post, and the answer was a resounding ‘yes.’ So here are my thoughts about maintaining old friendships and making new friends as you travel through adulthood. Would love to hear what you have to add in the comments!
Old Friends
Once you’re out of school and working full-time, keeping up with old friends is a lot more difficult. If you’re not in the same place anymore, it can be even more challenging. Some friendships run deep enough that you can go a while without talking to and/or seeing each other, and pick up right where you left off when you reunite. But, that doesn’t work for everyone. No matter whether your old friends are nearby or far away, you have to both be willing to put in the effort. It could be as simple as the occasional text to check in, or taking turns picking a place for catch up drinks, but you both need show that you’re invested in the relationship. Many of your longtime friendships will last for years into adulthood…but the truth is that not all of them will, and that’s okay. Sometimes, we grow out of friendships, or we grow up and the other person doesn’t. We may get tired of always initiating contact and feeling like the other person doesn’t value us as much as we value them. One of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn is that it doesn’t always matter how long you’ve known someone. Some people are meant to be in our lives for the long haul and some aren’t, so it’s not worth wasting your energy on the ones who don’t make you a priority just because of shared history.
New Friends
Okay, so you’ve figured out which old friends are worth the effort and you’re making sure they know you love and value them…but, it would be nice to make some new friends too! Depending on where you live and what stage of life you’re in, this can be quite the challenge. I’ve been incredibly lucky to have met some of my best friends through work, but I know this doesn’t happen for everyone. It can be difficult to turn a co-worker relationship into a friendship, and you may not want to mix business and pleasure, but we spend so much time working that it’s important to at least find someone you can connect with when you need a break. Try to learn a little bit about the people you work with, and you may find that you have more in common than you thought. Expand on these common interests and see what happens if you spend time together outside of work.
The best example of this in my life was when my (now) best friend Elena invited me to join a book club. She and two other friends (who had known each other a long time) decided to bring together fellow book lovers. They each invited two people to join, and we all bonded over our love of reading (and prosecco!). Over the years, we maintained a core group, adding and subtracting members as people’s lives changed. It didn’t take long for us to feel comfortable sharing our struggles and successes, and we often had to make sure we discussed the book first so we wouldn’t run out of time updating each other about our lives.
We don’t meet formally anymore, but many of the friendships remain strong. I think the added layer of knowing everyone in the group was essentially “endorsed” by someone else helped us connect more quickly. Although we’re not always going to like all of our friends’ friends, it stands to reason that we’ll jive with some of them. I know I love bringing different groups of friends together and seeing who hits it off! It can be intimidating to hang out with a group when you only know one person, but you never know who you’ll meet.
Although it’s great when someone else sets up an opportunity to meet people with common interests, sometimes you have to put yourself out there and pursue them on your own. Try volunteering for a cause that means a lot to you, or join an intramural league to take yourself back to your more athletic days. Sign up for a cooking class or take your dog to the dog park. Don’t feel like you have to force anything, just give yourself as many opportunities as possible to meet people, and it will probably happen organically.
Whether friendships are old or new, whether you’re at the same stage in life or not, here’s the bottom line: you have to be there for the people who mean the most to you. Show up for things, big or small, and don’t just tell people that they’re important to you…show them! Go the extra mile (literally or figuratively) for the milestones in their lives. If you can’t be there physically, be there emotionally. Send a text or a note to let them know you’re thinking of them, even when you’re not in the same place. And hold your friends to that same standard, value yourself and your time. If you’re making someone a priority and they’re not doing the same for you, take a step back and revaluate. Yes, it’s sad when a friendship dies, but I promise you won’t miss the negative energy.
I’m blessed to have incredible friends from so many times and places in my life (only some of whom are pictured above). Some I’ve known for a decade, and others only a few years, but they’re all incredibly important to me. I’m not always great at keeping up with all of them, but I try my hardest, and I hope they all know that my life is made infinitely sweeter by each and every one of them.
