I promise I’m working on some fashion posts, and everything won’t be mom-focused from here on out. But, there are certain things I definitely want to cover here. As I was preparing to be a mom, thinking about feeding my baby was one of the things that gave me the most anxiety. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. So, I talked to a family friend who is a lactation consultant, and read a lot of blog posts. It was really helpful for me to hear other people’s stories, and that’s why I want to share mine.
How It Started
My approach to feeding Seth was that I would try breastfeeding and see what happened. I knew I would have a baby nurse to support me in the early days, and I ordered my insurance-sponsored breast pump just in case. I took an online course and learned the basics. Honestly though, I didn’t really want to breastfeed. But, despite all that I read, and a concerted effort to not put too much pressure on myself, I couldn’t get the message out of my mind that I should be breastfeeding. Then, Seth didn’t latch easily and was falling asleep quickly every time we tried. He was frustrated with just colostrum, and then a low output, and it was so hard on both of us. I was constantly in pain and feeling like I wasn’t doing enough for my baby. We had to supplement with formula, which I was okay with, but I was also pumping five or six times a day.
To be quite honest, being tethered to the pump was miserable for me. I dreaded it, and I resented the time it took out of every day. I wouldn’t admit it for a while (to anyone but my therapist), but pumping was majorly affecting my mental health. Then I started getting clogged milk ducts and my physical health was a factor too. I wanted to be done, but I felt guilty. Seth was doing fine. He liked formula just as much as breast milk, and he was healthy and growing. We were spending plenty of time together and bonding beautifully. And yet, committing to going full formula was really hard.
How It Ended Up
Ultimately, I decided that the only person’s opinion I cared about (besides my own) was Rob. He was very supportive throughout, and his only hesitation was making sure Seth had gotten Covid antibodies from me. When I was finally honest with him about how unhappy pumping was making me, he was totally on board with being done. I slowly weaned from the pump, cutting down on frequency and length of sessions. Oof, was it uncomfortable, but it just confirmed that I was making the right decision.
I haven’t pumped in a week or so, and the last time was only a short one. I love that I can feed Seth his bottles, cuddle and play with him without worrying about the next time I have to pump. We plan outings around Seth’s schedule, not mine. My boobs and I are so much happier! But seriously, I’m feeling much better physically and mentally. If breastfeeding and/or pumping works for you, amazing! Just know that it’s also okay if it doesn’t. You’re not a lesser mom. You will still bond with your baby. As long as your baby is fed and healthy, that’s all that matters. If you’re struggling, I’m happy to chat. You’re not alone.
Photo by Laurel Creative
