I’ve wavered on whether or not I wanted to write this post. It’s an incredibly difficult subject for me, and I feel pretty vulnerable putting this out there. But, when I saw this graphic on Instagram, I decided to see if body image was a topic that resonated with people right now. The answer was a resounding “yes.” So, here it goes…
One of the reasons I started this blog many years ago was because I felt like there was a lack of petite and/or curvy women in fashion. For most of my life, I’ve been on the border of what technically falls into both categories. But, as a pre-teen, I was taller and more developed than most of my friends, and it didn’t always feel so great to not look the same as everyone else.
As an adult, I got to what I thought was a pretty good place with my body. Even when I started to gain weight a few years ago, I still embraced my curves, and feeling good in your own skin has been a common theme here. Last year, I realized that while I didn’t think being “bigger” was bad, I wasn’t actually taking care of my body as I should be. I shared a lot about our decision to embrace a healthier (but realistic) lifestyle, and by making a lot of small changes, I lost 30 pounds. I looked and felt the best I had in a long time, and kept the weight off for months.
When quarantine started in March, I decided to loosen up on the healthy eating guidelines. I knew that things like baking would provide comfort for me during a particularly anxious time. I also didn’t want to add extra stress about things like whether I wanted a glass of wine with dinner every night…so I just gave myself permission to do what I thought I needed. Now, I haven’t gone totally off the rails, but I have gained a little of the weight back. When I started taking out my summer clothes and saw that some things didn’t fit as well as they did last year, it triggered something in me.
Body image is actually one issue that I hadn’t talked to my therapist much about until recently, but I’ve done a lot of work on some other things and I’ve discovered just how much I bury my feelings. The truth is that for much of the time that I was talking all about embracing your body and not being afraid to show it off, my inner monologue was often saying the exact opposite. I would avoid looking at myself in the mirror naked, and I would cringe when I saw my back rolls. I told myself millions of times that I felt pretty and sexy and confident in what I was wearing, and I think I believed that on the surface…but deep down, I wasn’t happy with how I looked.
I still believe in what I would call the mantra of this blog: women of all shapes and sizes deserve to look and feel good in what they wear (and I always will). And while I also still believe that size and weight are just numbers…there are times when I let them have way too much power in my life, and I’m sure I’m not alone.
The past few months have been some of the strangest, scariest, most stressful…and everyone I love has been safe and healthy. I’m trying to get back to a better balance of taking care of my mental health and honoring the uniqueness of the situation, while preventing myself from going back to that dark place. It’s a process, and that’s okay. Overall, I’m starting to feel better mentally, and I’m actually excited to put on real clothes and share outfits again soon.
When I did finally bring up the issue of body image with my therapist, I told her that I know now is not the time to be giving myself grief about something like this. She said “I would argue that you should never be giving yourself grief about something like this…but especially not now.” So, I guess what I wanted to say with this post is that if you’re in a weird place with your body right now, you’re not alone. Try to keep up with healthy habits, but give yourself permission to indulge a little too if that’s what you need during these strange times. I know that I’ve already spent too many years of my life being critical of my body, and I really want to try to change that pattern of behavior so I don’t look back with regret. What about you?
